So I haven't quite heard from you yet, but I hope to receive some feedback from you soon! I hope you're doing alright this week as well! I also hope I didn’t overload you on my comment in your Famous Last Words post. There were still some things I wanted to mention, but I didn’t want to overbear or overbore you even lol. Again it was a joy to read your story and introduction!
Emily, first of all I should mention that I laughed out loud at the first part of your introduction. I even heard the *dun dun* in my head! I think this is a very clever way to explore the stories they will be based upon! It even feels like it could be a TV series based on Zootopia! (Now that's something I'd watch!)
I think the intro should at least touch on the stories (or cases) you plan on writing about. Maybe you could do an "episode synopsis" for each one like you'd read on the channel guide. Something to hook the reader. I liked that you introduced your team; it will make it easier to jump into the world you are about to craft. I think you should try to find (or make if you have that kind of talent) a picture of each one next to their profile.
Overall, I can't wait to read this, and honestly, I have a couple of friends I might send this to. I wish you good luck!
Emily, I thought your introduction and title page were awesome! I liked how you made a play-off of Law and Order and your first paragraph really was great. It really caught my attention and made me want to read more. I thought it was clever to include a little bio about each of the animals. It allowed the reader to understand each individual character. In terms of layout, I thought you did an excellent job picking the images in both the title page and introduction. I am already picturing their office being hidden in the lush jungle with huge trees all around. I do agree with Todd that maybe including information on one of their cases. You could just mention it in the last paragraph to grab the reader’s attention a little more. Overall, I thought it was super creative and I look forward to reading more about these cases!
Great intro, Emily! Fusing Aesop's Fables, African jungle tales, and Law & Order: SVU seems like a really good way to grab readers' attention. I liked the character introductions, feels kind of like something you'd see in an game's instruction manual. The only problem I have with the introduction is that I can't really tell the type of tone the storybook is going for. Some of it implies a more serious tone while other parts make it seem more lighthearted. As stated above, I think this could be remedied with some 'previews' of the different stories. If it were me, I'd put those after the first sentence of the last paragraph. Doing that would also drive the reader's interest in reading the rest of the storybook up. Anyways, I' really looking forward to reading more of your storybook, the premise is interesting and it seems to give even more human-like qualities to the animals, more so than Aesop's Fables which I enjoyed immensely.
The idea of a law enforcement organization inside of a typically lawless space like a jungle makes for interesting possibilities relating to the purpose, conduct, and even irony of an animal kingdom judicial system. Very interesting.
Relating to what people are saying about the tone the introduction tries to take, perhaps elaborating on the world these characters live in and changing the diction in your first four paragraphs and your ending paragraph to serious or humorous depending on your goal will help?
I was left wondering what some character flaws of the AVU you teased were, as the only one I could see was Monkey's. This'll help make your characters more attractive by defining potential conflicts you could write them in. I'd also suggest considering writing some of the intro paragraphs so that allusions to Law & Order are at the very least less obvious; the way they are written makes it feel like a version of Law & Order with animals rather than its own distinct entity.
I love your concept and the story potential it holds, but some tweaking to your characters and world, and establishing what kind of tone you want will make it even more attractive. Great work, Emily!
Hi Emily! I love your concept! I also love watching Law and Order so as soon as I read the first words in your introduction, I knew what you were going to do. I really like the premise! Are your stories going to have morals set up with the crimes kind of like Aesop's fables have morals through their stories? I liked how you introduced your principle characters in the intro, but it would be nice to have more information about how your stories will be set up. Surprises are also good too though! Regarding the layout of your site, I really love the pictures you used and how you set it up! It's very nice and clear. I do wish that the animals you used fit the setting more because I don't think there are lions in the Amazon jungle (perhaps a jaguar?), but not that big of a deal! Great work! Looking forward to reading the rest!
Emily, what an awesome idea! I'm so intrigued on how you're going to write this. Animals already hunt each other so I'm curious as to what will be considered crimes. I seriously can’t wait to read the actual stories.
I would suggest for the character descriptions though (and this might just be the scriptwriter in me), but I would explain why the characters do the things they do or have a certain type of personality. It transfers to the readers and the audience better. So for example, think about the characters of “Friends.” Chandler’s parents got divorced and his father is now a cross dresser, so now he has commitment issues and he approaches problems by resorting to humor. So there is a cause and an effect. It doesn’t even have to be an event it can just be a personality trait, for example, Ross is a hopeless romantic, that’s why he ended up married and divorced three times.
Of course, you don’t have to because your descriptions are awesome! You did an amazing job on the intro overall, you left enough detail that I knew exactly what was going on, but you didn’t reveal too much so I’m really excited to see this storybook progress!
Hey Emily! My roommates and I are avid fans of Special Victims Unit and so when I read the first paragraph I was reading it to the tune and in the deep voice! I would have loved to see “DUH DUH” at the very end though! That is one of my favorite parts! If you ever change scenes it would be really cool to transition like they do in the show and have “grasslands, section 107, May 3, 2016” or however they do it! It would also allow you and easy “back in the office” transition! Just a thought☺ I really liked the animal list as well, you got me to laugh out loud at the “he doesn’t monkey around!” as it is so punny you can’t help but chuckle. I am curious as to what other animals may pop up and if more witnesses will be present! They seem to always have some hints! Good Luck!
Hey Emily! My roommates and I are avid fans of Special Victims Unit and so when I read the first paragraph I was reading it to the tune and in the deep voice! I would have loved to see “DUH DUH” at the very end though! That is one of my favorite parts! If you ever change scenes it would be really cool to transition like they do in the show and have “grasslands, section 107, May 3, 2016” or however they do it! It would also allow you and easy “back in the office” transition! Just a thought☺ I really liked the animal list as well, you got me to laugh out loud at the “he doesn’t monkey around!” as it is so punny you can’t help but chuckle. I am curious as to what other animals may pop up and if more witnesses will be present! They seem to always have some hints! Good Luck!
Emily! I really like your storybook theme. I tend to be drawn to the darker themes and stories, so yours immediately caught my attention. I think that your introduction does a very good job of explaining your theme and how your stories will be integrated overall in your storybook. I read your story "The Dark One" and I really liked it. I think that your author's note does a good job of explaining how your story relates to the original one. I think that your story could be improved slightly by alternating the length of your sentences. They all tend to be about the same length and have a similar structure, and I think that this could be improved and would add some drama to shorter sentences and sentences with other structures. I think that also alternating the paragraph size could help your stories a bit, too. I think splitting up the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones and combining some of the sentence-long paragraphs together would make your stories' readability a little better. Overall, I think you're off to a great start and that your storybook and its' theme are extremely interesting-I'm excited to read more!
Intro: I can see you've done research into indigenous species of the African rain forest, which is definitely a step closer to really feeling the setting of the storybook. Though the descriptions of these characters could use a little work (e.g. Monkey is "curious and mischievous" but "no nonsense," Parrot is accidentally referred to as an eagle, and there isn't much attention given to the characters' flaws). A bit of description about the state of the world would also help set the stage, preferably at the beginning of the story.
Story: As a quick aside before we get started, I love your wordplay in the title and in the climax of the story. Now, dialogue feels the same across different characters. Some variation in word choice and considering what personality the character has will help. There also doesn't seem to be enough dialogue. Maybe we could here more from Lion regarding his impressions of the case or Jaguar's testimony? I'd also like to hear more about the investigation, such as the fake news plan, the evaluation of the crime scene, and the suspect's place in all this. These might bloat the word count a bit, but murder mysteries thrive on their details so that every connection made by the investigators has evidence to back it up. You have a great murder, it just needs the extra details for the blood splatter to be visceral.
Your intro is super cute! I really loved each of the animal's descriptions and thought the puns were great. The only thing I'd change is the parrot being referred to as an eagle. Otherwise I'm excited to read your stories, especially if the creatures are really going to ride on the lion's back. Because that would be extremely delightful.
As for the first story, I really liked the puns, but the world-building confused me. I wasn't sure why the zebra needed make-up, and how all of the animals were surviving if they weren't eating each other. Or how the print markings for the jaguar could be confused with a frog. And what fake news? I liked the concept a lot, and it was still really good, but I had an issue suspending my disbelief. I'd definitely be more into it if you could add in little details like when you say the lion "called in" the monkey, you could maybe use "roared" for instead or something similar and work in the animal concept again. Overall though, good stuff! I'll come back and comment next time you update!
Emily-I think that the premise of your storybook is very interesting. I think that your introduction does a very good job of explaining what your storybook will be about but still keeps it light and cute. I think it's hilarious that you're keeping the law and order theme; I think it's a good way to go about writing these stories. I like your use of pictures and the overall theme of your storybook. I think that your story is also done really well. It sticks to your theme really well and also relates it back to the original story inspirations that you are using. I think that your storytelling is done very nicely and is quite descriptive. I like that you used some conversation within your story because I think it's quite important to the overall story, but I do think that including more conversation into your story would make it more interesting and easier to read. Overall, I think you are on great track with your storybook and I think you've done a great job so far. I would just recommend adding some more conversation to your story.
This is such a cool idea for a storybook! You did a great job in the introduction of foreshadowing what was to come and giving some helpful background on the key characters we need to know. In your description of the African Grey Parrot, you mention an eagle? It is not clear if you meant to say parrot or what eagle you are talking about. I loved your first story! There was just the right balance of goriness in the details and information that pertained to figuring out the murder. In the second paragraph, you didn’t capitalize zebra in “Mountain zebra” when I saw that it was capitalized everywhere else. In the third paragraph from the bottom, “Around the seen” it should be “scene” rather than “seen.” I loved the play on words with black and white and red/read all over. That was great! This story had a good amount of suspense, but you still were able to bring it to a resolution at the end. Great work!
Your first sentence was so clever and I love that you tied it back to end with red and read! I also liked how you humanized her by describing her appearance more like a person’s rather than an animal’s.
My only suggestion would maybe give the character’s name so it’s a little more personable. It would make it a little more emotional too. Plus, it would make a little more sense to give them actual names because they are not the only one of their kind where they live, there are more zebras and monkeys, so by giving names it’s not just saying any monkey or zebra it’s saying this one.
It would also be really cook for you to male and include a fake newspaper clipping of the report! Just to add some more detail to your story and provide a visual as well.
Hi Emily, I was immediately drawn to your storybook. I think that it is such an original idea! It kind of reminds me a little of Zootopia (you should check it out if you haven’t seen it yet). Anyway, I think that your introduction is very nice. We get to know all of the characters and you make it easy to distinguish them from one another. The ending of your introduction made me very excited to read your first story! The imagery you include is very nice. I can actually see in my mind what you are writing about. There are a few grammatical errors throughout the story. Just another look over it would help that. It seems as if sometimes you go back and forth from having the wording make the animals seem like animals to making them sometimes seem like humans. Instead of using everyone or everybody, trying using every animal in the African rain forest. This adds more to the idea of these being animals and not people. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Skipping. No revisions made from last time, as far as I can tell.
FLY ZONE
The murder circumstances, being born out of a much less serious crime are very compelling. I also love how you integrate more animal qualities in the investigation, such as Black Colobus' climbing skills being used to gather evidence, and the bribe with worms.
The investigation and interrogation felt a bit too short. Dialogue during the interrogation could make it more intense, and describing the tracking down of Fairy Prion, possibly his resistance, would mix up and provide more details to the investigation.
The conclusion gets a bit confusing. Fairy Prion said he was paid to kill the birds, yet the story makes the robber seem like the real killer, paying Fairy Prion to keep his mouth shut. It get confusing who is who in the conclusion, so some clarification here would help.
"A few bribes later, with a juicy worm," Shouldn't that be "with juicy worms?"
"Be ware" is one word, unless you mean "be wary."
Overall, I enjoyed the circumstances of this murder and the more animal-centric investigation methods. Hopefully with these and previous suggestions I gave you, along with the wiggle room you have in the word count, you can make this storybook even better. Keep at it.
Hi Emily. I think your storybook project is a fun idea. I love animals, so I’m game for anything involving tons of animals! I also love criminal intelligence type shows, so your project jumped out at me just from the title. I like the way you’ve set it up and the pun work you’ve used throughout. For example, the monkey doesn’t “monkey” around. Lol. I also think the pictures you have included are terrific for your project. They really open up the visual aspects of your storybook. In the intro, I love how you contrasted the snake and the African Parrot (which by the way are amazing, gorgeous birds) and explained why they make great partners. I was a little confused at the line “While Snake hides down below, the eagle is able to fly high above everyone else.” since the bird in your story is an African Parrot. I feel like “Black and White with Red All Over” could use a little more fine-tuning. Some of it just felt forced and it didn’t seem to flow as well as your intro and “Fly Zone” did. Mostly I think a good proof reading and slight editing would go a long way in elevating your writing.
I'm so excited to be back! So Fly Zone! Initially with the birds reported as only injured, I was hoping they would live. So I think if you changed it to where the gossip automatically informs the reader that the birds are dead, it could help with this issue. But as many questions as I have about the logistics of the world, the idea of a bird air traffic controller is hilarious to me. I was a little confused as to how the birds had died though? I'd assumed they'd been hanged in the tree by some nefarious animal not collided mid-flight. Or were robbed? I'm actually not sure how they died. I also would have liked a bit more information on the animal that hired the air traffic controller because that feels like a very interesting section of the story. I felt sad that these two birds had to die for seemingly nothing. However the bribe being a "juicy worm" felt very clever.
Your title really caught my eye! I love anything animal so I was super excited to see this! Intro: I like all the background of the characters and that you split it up with the gender. I also like that it's giving off a TV special crimes unit vibe. First Story: I love the name and the video add in! Clever pun with twisting the title into the story! It really makes the story! Second Story: I think you did a great job with bringing in all the drama without it being graphic, actually, I think you could make it a little more graphic and it still be okay, but you kind of leave it to the reader to think about how bad each crime(talking about the first story) is and that is nice as well. Great story book and I can’t wait to see what other crimes get unraveled in your stories!
Hey Emily! I finally got to take a look at your storybook and it's awesome! I love the idea that you utilized Law & Order as your style of writing these. I love the SVU version of the show and usually think of the song when I think of the show. It cracks me up the way you also wrote so similar to the way the show is. I also found a small similarity in Kung Fu Panda, only because of the animals, but none-the-less not so much. The way you introduced each character as well were very thought out. One thing I would mention in working on the end of the story, it was brief and almost too quick of a catch. It would've been nice to add in another character or even more so a fight to capture the leopard. Though that is just an opinion, overall it was quite difficult to find something to improve on. You did great!
Hi, Emily! I absolutely love the idea of taking Law and Order and incorporating animals as the main characters! I've never really seen an episode before but you did a great job of writing in the style of TV show and creating suspense for future stories. I really appreciated the breakdown of the characters at the beginning because it set the stage for their entrances and explained to readers which animals would likely work together on the cases. I loved the play on words with black and white and "read/red" all over- that's so clever! It made me sad to imagine the poor zebra but it was hilarious to think of it having leftover makeup from a crazy night out in the rainforest. Something I would maybe add would be some length to end of the stories! I know they resolve quickly in TV shows but sometimes I had to read them twice to catch exactly what happened. If there were a little more to read in the resolution, it might be a little easier to keep up. But overall, you did such a great job with this story idea and I look forward to reading more!
I'm really enjoying this mix of law and order and African animals! I think your introduction is good. It gives a good background of the characters without giving too much away. I would just go back through it and clean it up a little and you'll be great. I love the way you set up your first story. It's very mysterious and keeps the reader interested. I am wondering, since murder is a crime in this world, how do the carnivores eat? Is there certain types of meat or is all off limits? I think you could clear this up a little. It intrigues me that animals wear makeup. Do they also wear clothes? I guess if you're going for a Zootopia feel (which I love anyway) then that makes sense. I think you did really well with your first story keeping it mysterious and suspenseful. I would have liked more of a chase to find the criminal, but you may not have enough word space to add more, which is fine. Your second story is just as good. I only have a few grammatical comments. Cotton candy clouds is a little cliche, and do animals know what cotton candy is? You may want to pick a different adjective. What does the sadness and overwhelming fear look like, if you could describe it? Your sentence "catching the scent of Fairy Prion, AGP was able to pick up his scent" is redundant, as you say scent twice. I would try to come up with a better way of phrasing this. How was the natal ghost frog able to get fairy prion to talk? I would like more details about this. You should revise the sentence "a few bribes later…" It is confusing to what you are talking about, so I would just fix it to make it more clear. Other than those comments, I really enjoyed your stories and I love the concept!
I have to say as someone who is planning to one-day work in the legal system, your storybook title certainly grabbed my attention more than any other on the list. Reading your introduction section I could actually here the music of the television show playing in my head as I read the introduction. I really enjoyed the addition of bios for each of the detectives we would meet during the course of the storybook. These short bios gave me the feeling of already knowing who these detectives are and why they pursue the work the way that they do. I read the story of the mountain zebra and found it rather intriguing, while also being a pleasure to read throughout. The addition of the theme music to this slide was a nice touch as well; even though it was on repeat in my head throughout. I will certainly be back to see how the story continues to progress. Well done.
Hi Emily, I love your picture on your homepage! Great way to reel your audience in right off the bat. I got so excited when I read the first line of your story! How creative! I didn’t even realize from the title what I had chosen to read! I think all of your characters are awesome, and it is great that you gave the character descriptions in the introduction! That was a really great idea to set the scene for the story. I love the title of your first story! I found it so interesting that the lion and zebra were friends. I appreciate the thought you put into choosing all the different animals. It was fascinating to see how you imagined this crime unit for animals. It was cool that you still used suspect descriptions but related that to animals, such as the “spotted” description. I really enjoyed your storybook!
Emily, I just wanted to start by saying great job with this Storybook. I really like how you make your own version of Law and Order. The animal aspect makes it even better. I’ve never been a huge fan of Law and Order, but I would watch this if it were a show. You did a great job of imagery and making the story seem real. It’s funny to me to picture animals being serious and solving crime like the show does.
Overall, I didn’t notice anything that needed to be corrected. You did a great job. Though, I do agree with what Todd says about adding a tidbit about each “episode” in your introduction post. Maybe you could add it into the intro of the characters. Since Lion was the main investigator on the Zebra case, maybe you could add it into his intro. I also don’t think that leaving the synopsis out is going to make or break the story. I think it just adds to the intro and gives readers a little heads up. Great job!
Hey there! My name is Ali. I am from the Indian Epics class! I loved this storybook! I wish there would have been more!I think it was so creative the way you let each story stand alone and be its very own story! That was unique. I liked being able to conclude and entire story and start a new one rather than it flowing throughout. Also, I loved that the Lion was the leader of the animals victim unit. They are my favorite animal. They way you incorporated animals to be from all perspectives was neat. The snake on the ground as low as he can get and the parrot flying high about everything else was smart. I also thought you did a good job with the description of the Zebra being dead. Very Law and Order! I laughed although I would imagine it was not as funny for the mountain zebra.
So I haven't quite heard from you yet, but I hope to receive some feedback from you soon! I hope you're doing alright this week as well! I also hope I didn’t overload you on my comment in your Famous Last Words post. There were still some things I wanted to mention, but I didn’t want to overbear or overbore you even lol. Again it was a joy to read your story and introduction!
ReplyDeleteEmily, first of all I should mention that I laughed out loud at the first part of your introduction. I even heard the *dun dun* in my head! I think this is a very clever way to explore the stories they will be based upon! It even feels like it could be a TV series based on Zootopia! (Now that's something I'd watch!)
ReplyDeleteI think the intro should at least touch on the stories (or cases) you plan on writing about. Maybe you could do an "episode synopsis" for each one like you'd read on the channel guide. Something to hook the reader. I liked that you introduced your team; it will make it easier to jump into the world you are about to craft. I think you should try to find (or make if you have that kind of talent) a picture of each one next to their profile.
Overall, I can't wait to read this, and honestly, I have a couple of friends I might send this to. I wish you good luck!
Emily, I thought your introduction and title page were awesome! I liked how you made a play-off of Law and Order and your first paragraph really was great. It really caught my attention and made me want to read more. I thought it was clever to include a little bio about each of the animals. It allowed the reader to understand each individual character. In terms of layout, I thought you did an excellent job picking the images in both the title page and introduction. I am already picturing their office being hidden in the lush jungle with huge trees all around. I do agree with Todd that maybe including information on one of their cases. You could just mention it in the last paragraph to grab the reader’s attention a little more. Overall, I thought it was super creative and I look forward to reading more about these cases!
ReplyDeleteGreat intro, Emily! Fusing Aesop's Fables, African jungle tales, and Law & Order: SVU seems like a really good way to grab readers' attention. I liked the character introductions, feels kind of like something you'd see in an game's instruction manual. The only problem I have with the introduction is that I can't really tell the type of tone the storybook is going for. Some of it implies a more serious tone while other parts make it seem more lighthearted. As stated above, I think this could be remedied with some 'previews' of the different stories. If it were me, I'd put those after the first sentence of the last paragraph. Doing that would also drive the reader's interest in reading the rest of the storybook up. Anyways, I' really looking forward to reading more of your storybook, the premise is interesting and it seems to give even more human-like qualities to the animals, more so than Aesop's Fables which I enjoyed immensely.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of a law enforcement organization inside of a typically lawless space like a jungle makes for interesting possibilities relating to the purpose, conduct, and even irony of an animal kingdom judicial system. Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteRelating to what people are saying about the tone the introduction tries to take, perhaps elaborating on the world these characters live in and changing the diction in your first four paragraphs and your ending paragraph to serious or humorous depending on your goal will help?
I was left wondering what some character flaws of the AVU you teased were, as the only one I could see was Monkey's. This'll help make your characters more attractive by defining potential conflicts you could write them in.
I'd also suggest considering writing some of the intro paragraphs so that allusions to Law & Order are at the very least less obvious; the way they are written makes it feel like a version of Law & Order with animals rather than its own distinct entity.
I love your concept and the story potential it holds, but some tweaking to your characters and world, and establishing what kind of tone you want will make it even more attractive. Great work, Emily!
Hi Emily! I love your concept! I also love watching Law and Order so as soon as I read the first words in your introduction, I knew what you were going to do. I really like the premise! Are your stories going to have morals set up with the crimes kind of like Aesop's fables have morals through their stories? I liked how you introduced your principle characters in the intro, but it would be nice to have more information about how your stories will be set up. Surprises are also good too though! Regarding the layout of your site, I really love the pictures you used and how you set it up! It's very nice and clear. I do wish that the animals you used fit the setting more because I don't think there are lions in the Amazon jungle (perhaps a jaguar?), but not that big of a deal! Great work! Looking forward to reading the rest!
ReplyDeleteEmily, what an awesome idea! I'm so intrigued on how you're going to write this. Animals already hunt each other so I'm curious as to what will be considered crimes. I seriously can’t wait to read the actual stories.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest for the character descriptions though (and this might just be the scriptwriter in me), but I would explain why the characters do the things they do or have a certain type of personality. It transfers to the readers and the audience better. So for example, think about the characters of “Friends.” Chandler’s parents got divorced and his father is now a cross dresser, so now he has commitment issues and he approaches problems by resorting to humor. So there is a cause and an effect. It doesn’t even have to be an event it can just be a personality trait, for example, Ross is a hopeless romantic, that’s why he ended up married and divorced three times.
Of course, you don’t have to because your descriptions are awesome! You did an amazing job on the intro overall, you left enough detail that I knew exactly what was going on, but you didn’t reveal too much so I’m really excited to see this storybook progress!
Hey Emily!
ReplyDeleteMy roommates and I are avid fans of Special Victims Unit and so when I read the first paragraph I was reading it to the tune and in the deep voice! I would have loved to see “DUH DUH” at the very end though! That is one of my favorite parts! If you ever change scenes it would be really cool to transition like they do in the show and have “grasslands, section 107, May 3, 2016” or however they do it! It would also allow you and easy “back in the office” transition! Just a thought☺ I really liked the animal list as well, you got me to laugh out loud at the “he doesn’t monkey around!” as it is so punny you can’t help but chuckle. I am curious as to what other animals may pop up and if more witnesses will be present! They seem to always have some hints! Good Luck!
Hey Emily!
ReplyDeleteMy roommates and I are avid fans of Special Victims Unit and so when I read the first paragraph I was reading it to the tune and in the deep voice! I would have loved to see “DUH DUH” at the very end though! That is one of my favorite parts! If you ever change scenes it would be really cool to transition like they do in the show and have “grasslands, section 107, May 3, 2016” or however they do it! It would also allow you and easy “back in the office” transition! Just a thought☺ I really liked the animal list as well, you got me to laugh out loud at the “he doesn’t monkey around!” as it is so punny you can’t help but chuckle. I am curious as to what other animals may pop up and if more witnesses will be present! They seem to always have some hints! Good Luck!
Emily! I really like your storybook theme. I tend to be drawn to the darker themes and stories, so yours immediately caught my attention. I think that your introduction does a very good job of explaining your theme and how your stories will be integrated overall in your storybook. I read your story "The Dark One" and I really liked it. I think that your author's note does a good job of explaining how your story relates to the original one. I think that your story could be improved slightly by alternating the length of your sentences. They all tend to be about the same length and have a similar structure, and I think that this could be improved and would add some drama to shorter sentences and sentences with other structures. I think that also alternating the paragraph size could help your stories a bit, too. I think splitting up the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones and combining some of the sentence-long paragraphs together would make your stories' readability a little better. Overall, I think you're off to a great start and that your storybook and its' theme are extremely interesting-I'm excited to read more!
ReplyDeleteIntro: I can see you've done research into indigenous species of the African rain forest, which is definitely a step closer to really feeling the setting of the storybook. Though the descriptions of these characters could use a little work (e.g. Monkey is "curious and mischievous" but "no nonsense," Parrot is accidentally referred to as an eagle, and there isn't much attention given to the characters' flaws). A bit of description about the state of the world would also help set the stage, preferably at the beginning of the story.
ReplyDeleteStory: As a quick aside before we get started, I love your wordplay in the title and in the climax of the story. Now, dialogue feels the same across different characters. Some variation in word choice and considering what personality the character has will help. There also doesn't seem to be enough dialogue. Maybe we could here more from Lion regarding his impressions of the case or Jaguar's testimony? I'd also like to hear more about the investigation, such as the fake news plan, the evaluation of the crime scene, and the suspect's place in all this.
These might bloat the word count a bit, but murder mysteries thrive on their details so that every connection made by the investigators has evidence to back it up. You have a great murder, it just needs the extra details for the blood splatter to be visceral.
Your intro is super cute! I really loved each of the animal's descriptions and thought the puns were great. The only thing I'd change is the parrot being referred to as an eagle. Otherwise I'm excited to read your stories, especially if the creatures are really going to ride on the lion's back. Because that would be extremely delightful.
ReplyDeleteAs for the first story, I really liked the puns, but the world-building confused me. I wasn't sure why the zebra needed make-up, and how all of the animals were surviving if they weren't eating each other. Or how the print markings for the jaguar could be confused with a frog. And what fake news? I liked the concept a lot, and it was still really good, but I had an issue suspending my disbelief. I'd definitely be more into it if you could add in little details like when you say the lion "called in" the monkey, you could maybe use "roared" for instead or something similar and work in the animal concept again. Overall though, good stuff! I'll come back and comment next time you update!
Emily-I think that the premise of your storybook is very interesting. I think that your introduction does a very good job of explaining what your storybook will be about but still keeps it light and cute. I think it's hilarious that you're keeping the law and order theme; I think it's a good way to go about writing these stories. I like your use of pictures and the overall theme of your storybook. I think that your story is also done really well. It sticks to your theme really well and also relates it back to the original story inspirations that you are using. I think that your storytelling is done very nicely and is quite descriptive. I like that you used some conversation within your story because I think it's quite important to the overall story, but I do think that including more conversation into your story would make it more interesting and easier to read. Overall, I think you are on great track with your storybook and I think you've done a great job so far. I would just recommend adding some more conversation to your story.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a cool idea for a storybook! You did a great job in the introduction of foreshadowing what was to come and giving some helpful background on the key characters we need to know. In your description of the African Grey Parrot, you mention an eagle? It is not clear if you meant to say parrot or what eagle you are talking about. I loved your first story! There was just the right balance of goriness in the details and information that pertained to figuring out the murder. In the second paragraph, you didn’t capitalize zebra in “Mountain zebra” when I saw that it was capitalized everywhere else. In the third paragraph from the bottom, “Around the seen” it should be “scene” rather than “seen.” I loved the play on words with black and white and red/read all over. That was great! This story had a good amount of suspense, but you still were able to bring it to a resolution at the end. Great work!
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence was so clever and I love that you tied it back to end with red and read! I also liked how you humanized her by describing her appearance more like a person’s rather than an animal’s.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would maybe give the character’s name so it’s a little more personable. It would make it a little more emotional too. Plus, it would make a little more sense to give them actual names because they are not the only one of their kind where they live, there are more zebras and monkeys, so by giving names it’s not just saying any monkey or zebra it’s saying this one.
It would also be really cook for you to male and include a fake newspaper clipping of the report! Just to add some more detail to your story and provide a visual as well.
Other than that, I loved the story! Good work! (:
Hi Emily,
ReplyDeleteI was immediately drawn to your storybook. I think that it is such an original idea! It kind of reminds me a little of Zootopia (you should check it out if you haven’t seen it yet). Anyway, I think that your introduction is very nice. We get to know all of the characters and you make it easy to distinguish them from one another. The ending of your introduction made me very excited to read your first story!
The imagery you include is very nice. I can actually see in my mind what you are writing about. There are a few grammatical errors throughout the story. Just another look over it would help that. It seems as if sometimes you go back and forth from having the wording make the animals seem like animals to making them sometimes seem like humans. Instead of using everyone or everybody, trying using every animal in the African rain forest. This adds more to the idea of these being animals and not people.
I look forward to reading more of your stories!
INTRODUCTION
ReplyDeleteSkipping. No revisions made from last time, as far as I can tell.
FLY ZONE
The murder circumstances, being born out of a much less serious crime are very compelling. I also love how you integrate more animal qualities in the investigation, such as Black Colobus' climbing skills being used to gather evidence, and the bribe with worms.
The investigation and interrogation felt a bit too short. Dialogue during the interrogation could make it more intense, and describing the tracking down of Fairy Prion, possibly his resistance, would mix up and provide more details to the investigation.
The conclusion gets a bit confusing. Fairy Prion said he was paid to kill the birds, yet the story makes the robber seem like the real killer, paying Fairy Prion to keep his mouth shut. It get confusing who is who in the conclusion, so some clarification here would help.
"A few bribes later, with a juicy worm," Shouldn't that be "with juicy worms?"
"Be ware" is one word, unless you mean "be wary."
Overall, I enjoyed the circumstances of this murder and the more animal-centric investigation methods. Hopefully with these and previous suggestions I gave you, along with the wiggle room you have in the word count, you can make this storybook even better. Keep at it.
Hi Emily. I think your storybook project is a fun idea. I love animals, so I’m game for anything involving tons of animals! I also love criminal intelligence type shows, so your project jumped out at me just from the title.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you’ve set it up and the pun work you’ve used throughout. For example, the monkey doesn’t “monkey” around. Lol. I also think the pictures you have included are terrific for your project. They really open up the visual aspects of your storybook.
In the intro, I love how you contrasted the snake and the African Parrot (which by the way are amazing, gorgeous birds) and explained why they make great partners. I was a little confused at the line “While Snake hides down below, the eagle is able to fly high above everyone else.” since the bird in your story is an African Parrot.
I feel like “Black and White with Red All Over” could use a little more fine-tuning. Some of it just felt forced and it didn’t seem to flow as well as your intro and “Fly Zone” did. Mostly I think a good proof reading and slight editing would go a long way in elevating your writing.
I'm so excited to be back!
ReplyDeleteSo Fly Zone! Initially with the birds reported as only injured, I was hoping they would live. So I think if you changed it to where the gossip automatically informs the reader that the birds are dead, it could help with this issue. But as many questions as I have about the logistics of the world, the idea of a bird air traffic controller is hilarious to me. I was a little confused as to how the birds had died though? I'd assumed they'd been hanged in the tree by some nefarious animal not collided mid-flight. Or were robbed? I'm actually not sure how they died. I also would have liked a bit more information on the animal that hired the air traffic controller because that feels like a very interesting section of the story. I felt sad that these two birds had to die for seemingly nothing. However the bribe being a "juicy worm" felt very clever.
Your title really caught my eye! I love anything animal so I was super excited to see this!
ReplyDeleteIntro:
I like all the background of the characters and that you split it up with the gender.
I also like that it's giving off a TV special crimes unit vibe.
First Story:
I love the name and the video add in! Clever pun with twisting the title into the story! It really makes the story!
Second Story:
I think you did a great job with bringing in all the drama without it being graphic, actually, I think you could make it a little more graphic and it still be okay, but you kind of leave it to the reader to think about how bad each crime(talking about the first story) is and that is nice as well. Great story book and I can’t wait to see what other crimes get unraveled in your stories!
Hey Emily! I finally got to take a look at your storybook and it's awesome! I love the idea that you utilized Law & Order as your style of writing these. I love the SVU version of the show and usually think of the song when I think of the show. It cracks me up the way you also wrote so similar to the way the show is. I also found a small similarity in Kung Fu Panda, only because of the animals, but none-the-less not so much. The way you introduced each character as well were very thought out. One thing I would mention in working on the end of the story, it was brief and almost too quick of a catch. It would've been nice to add in another character or even more so a fight to capture the leopard. Though that is just an opinion, overall it was quite difficult to find something to improve on. You did great!
ReplyDeleteHi, Emily! I absolutely love the idea of taking Law and Order and incorporating animals as the main characters! I've never really seen an episode before but you did a great job of writing in the style of TV show and creating suspense for future stories. I really appreciated the breakdown of the characters at the beginning because it set the stage for their entrances and explained to readers which animals would likely work together on the cases. I loved the play on words with black and white and "read/red" all over- that's so clever! It made me sad to imagine the poor zebra but it was hilarious to think of it having leftover makeup from a crazy night out in the rainforest. Something I would maybe add would be some length to end of the stories! I know they resolve quickly in TV shows but sometimes I had to read them twice to catch exactly what happened. If there were a little more to read in the resolution, it might be a little easier to keep up. But overall, you did such a great job with this story idea and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteI'm really enjoying this mix of law and order and African animals! I think your introduction is good. It gives a good background of the characters without giving too much away. I would just go back through it and clean it up a little and you'll be great.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you set up your first story. It's very mysterious and keeps the reader interested. I am wondering, since murder is a crime in this world, how do the carnivores eat? Is there certain types of meat or is all off limits? I think you could clear this up a little. It intrigues me that animals wear makeup. Do they also wear clothes? I guess if you're going for a Zootopia feel (which I love anyway) then that makes sense. I think you did really well with your first story keeping it mysterious and suspenseful. I would have liked more of a chase to find the criminal, but you may not have enough word space to add more, which is fine.
Your second story is just as good. I only have a few grammatical comments. Cotton candy clouds is a little cliche, and do animals know what cotton candy is? You may want to pick a different adjective. What does the sadness and overwhelming fear look like, if you could describe it? Your sentence "catching the scent of Fairy Prion, AGP was able to pick up his scent" is redundant, as you say scent twice. I would try to come up with a better way of phrasing this. How was the natal ghost frog able to get fairy prion to talk? I would like more details about this. You should revise the sentence "a few bribes later…" It is confusing to what you are talking about, so I would just fix it to make it more clear. Other than those comments, I really enjoyed your stories and I love the concept!
Hello Emily,
ReplyDeleteI have to say as someone who is planning to one-day work in the legal system, your storybook title certainly grabbed my attention more than any other on the list. Reading your introduction section I could actually here the music of the television show playing in my head as I read the introduction. I really enjoyed the addition of bios for each of the detectives we would meet during the course of the storybook. These short bios gave me the feeling of already knowing who these detectives are and why they pursue the work the way that they do. I read the story of the mountain zebra and found it rather intriguing, while also being a pleasure to read throughout. The addition of the theme music to this slide was a nice touch as well; even though it was on repeat in my head throughout. I will certainly be back to see how the story continues to progress. Well done.
Hi Emily,
ReplyDeleteI love your picture on your homepage! Great way to reel your audience in right off the bat. I got so excited when I read the first line of your story! How creative! I didn’t even realize from the title what I had chosen to read! I think all of your characters are awesome, and it is great that you gave the character descriptions in the introduction! That was a really great idea to set the scene for the story. I love the title of your first story! I found it so interesting that the lion and zebra were friends. I appreciate the thought you put into choosing all the different animals. It was fascinating to see how you imagined this crime unit for animals. It was cool that you still used suspect descriptions but related that to animals, such as the “spotted” description. I really enjoyed your storybook!
Emily, I just wanted to start by saying great job with this Storybook. I really like how you make your own version of Law and Order. The animal aspect makes it even better. I’ve never been a huge fan of Law and Order, but I would watch this if it were a show. You did a great job of imagery and making the story seem real. It’s funny to me to picture animals being serious and solving crime like the show does.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I didn’t notice anything that needed to be corrected. You did a great job. Though, I do agree with what Todd says about adding a tidbit about each “episode” in your introduction post. Maybe you could add it into the intro of the characters. Since Lion was the main investigator on the Zebra case, maybe you could add it into his intro. I also don’t think that leaving the synopsis out is going to make or break the story. I think it just adds to the intro and gives readers a little heads up. Great job!
Hey there! My name is Ali. I am from the Indian Epics class! I loved this storybook! I wish there would have been more!I think it was so creative the way you let each story stand alone and be its very own story! That was unique. I liked being able to conclude and entire story and start a new one rather than it flowing throughout. Also, I loved that the Lion was the leader of the animals victim unit. They are my favorite animal. They way you incorporated animals to be from all perspectives was neat. The snake on the ground as low as he can get and the parrot flying high about everything else was smart. I also thought you did a good job with the description of the Zebra being dead. Very Law and Order! I laughed although I would imagine it was not as funny for the mountain zebra.
ReplyDelete